achoo
im so sick right now im eating strawberri ice cream and im so sick i feel like crap... is it wrong not to know your own boyfriends last name...?

i hate myself
I HATE MYSELF. I H A T E M Y S E L F! This is ALL my fault. All of this is my fault. I knew I'd regret it. I regret it all. I can't do anything right. I thought I did the right thing.. but I end up with a sea of regrets.. not a sea.. an ocean. It's called "nikky's regrets" along with all the tears i cried.. do you know how hard i tried?
I tried to keep it together but I can't. I hate this. I hate emotions. I hate crying. I HATE CARING ABOUT STUPID SHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT AND I SHOULD JUST GET SHOT OR SOMETHING.... i'm gonna read this in a day and be like 'wow i am a drama queen' but it really does piss me off how nothing seems to be going right and it's all MY fault.. i have made so many mistakes in 2003.. in 2004 i just wanna do something right for once. something that'll actually end up making me happy...

Poems
I wrote a bunch of poems.. I'm gonna add them here

Me Now Vs. Me Then
November 4, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
I guess I have changed quite a bit
I used to just sit around and take shit
I used to be all talk
I used to make big scenes about petty crap
But through all that changes I'm still a sap
Only now I've turned into a flirt
Started wearing a shorter skirt
Dancing a lil dirty at the dance
Showing off my thong in my low-rise pants
I used to take relationships so seriously
I stayed devoted to one guy
I didn't cheat-I didn't lie
Until that day my world fell apart
And I still have a broken heart
Before I was innocent with a kiss
Now I've become notorious
Before I guess I was Plinky
Now I guess I'm just kinky
I'm flirting with guys left to right
But it's okay, because he's outta sight
I guess a part of me left on that day
Left on Its merry way
I used to be all sweet and cute
Now I'm hott and crazy
I used to be all personality
Now looks are starting to matter to me
Now I'd never date an unpopular guy
Now I smile, I don't say hi
I guess the change isn't bad
It's what I left behind that's so sad
I used to be silly and weird a lot
Those outburst had to be fought
Kisses used to have meaning, not just for fun
Now I'm kissing everyone
I used to fight everyday
It always had to be my way
I am still a sneaky chick
Some of the things I've done you could consider sick
I guess we all change over time
Change happens
It can't be stopped
But my change was the most dramatic
It can't be topped

December 6, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
The truth is what it is
Stop sugar coating things
Just stop lying
I'm sick of all the lies
Backstabbing friends
The labels we get
The shit said behind our back
Then the smiles in our face
The lies in our face
The truth is never whole
Always stretched
What's wrong with everyone?







You Can Run But You Can't Hide
October 14, 2003- Nikky Raney-
You can run but you can't hide
One day life will catch up to how you feel inside
I feel like they can all read my mind
But everyone around me is so blind
The Nikky you knew is dead?
Do you remember her and the things she said?
I don't understand what I'm living for
I don't know what I'm doing anymore
Am I fine, Am I okay?
Are all my problems pushed away?
Have I finally decided to move on?
Is this a pro? Is this a con?
Honestly I don't know what's going on with me
One of these days my thoughts will be free
It's apart of our lives worth holding onto
But now seems like a good time to let go
It's better than always feeling low
Some things just don't make sense
& I don't need another lecture from the rents
Inner pain, will stay that way
Don't hold on to yesterday
Let it go, just be free
Some things aren't as they seem
Sometimes it feels like it's a dream
You can run, but you can't hide

December 6, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Why should I care what people think?
It's not like I'm gonna change for them
I am who I am, and that's me
This is how I'm supposed to be
Don't judge me by how I look
How I do my make up or hair
That kind of judgment isn't fair
Don't label me things I'm not
Don't talk about me when I'm not there
I can't defend myself, that's not fair
Don't spread lies that you don't know
How would you feel if you were me
How would that be?
Do you know how I feel?
We don't share a brain
We're all different
We're all uniQue
You try to trick me
But I'm okay
Because I'm better off
Without you anyway

















December 6, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
So what does it mean when you say "I love you"
It means that you'll stay true
It means that you trust him with it all
When you're sad, he's who you call
He wipes the tears from your eyes
He won't tell you lies
He will never cheat on you
He chooses you over his crew
Love means you know won't hurt you
He won't make you cry
His feelings won't change
You can't describe how happy he makes you feel
"I love you" shouldn't be said unless it's real
Hearts can be broken in an instant
But if you love him.. You trust that won't happen
Love is complicated
Love is great
But love can be torn and make you cry
If you love someone--don't lie

December 9, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Once I gave up I thought life would be easier
I thought I could focus more on what I should
But fate brought in a new face
Was he meant to replace?
I never knew how hard it could be
To say "It wasn't meant to be"
To not cry for a whole day
To be okay if things don't go my way
So much stress tears at my heart
Constantly ripping it apart
So much emotion floods within
Is this all a big sin?
How much of this can I get away with?
How much can I hide?
Do I need someone new by my side
What if it doesn't last?
I shouldn't move on too fast
What if this turns into a huge regret
And I get heartbroken over someone I just met
What am I suppose to do?
Ignore how I feel? How Can I?
I can't get these thoughts out of my head
But some things just can't be said
If anyone knew me from the inside
They would see that I have cried
They would know how hard life has been
I'm always a loser, I never win
From here on out I wanna be true
But I don't know what to do
Thoughts are mixed and scattered about
I feel like there's no way out
I can't be torn down like before
My heart can't take it anymore
Decisions to make what do I chose?
One choice I win... the other I lose










Secret
December 9, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Everyone's hiding something
Everybody has a secret
Something they don't want anyone to know
Anyone except themselves
Everyone is hiding something
Something we all wanna know
Everyone has a secret
Something they hide
A thought at the back of their mind
A thought too easy to find
An image of how it should be
An idea on what's right
An argument at the back of your head
Piles of words that remained unsaid
Is it better that way?
Thoughts that never left our brain
Burned in our mind
How could I have been so blinde
But you'll never tell
I'll never know unless I guess
No one's strong enough to congess
Truth never hurt the teller

December 9, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Am I disappointed?
Why should I be?
I don't know what I want?
I don't know who I want
I don't know what to do
I appear clueless
I put of a fa?ade of happiness
People wonder-People talk
"why does she smile so much"
Would you rather I cry?
Should I believe a lie?
Or replace a truth with a lie?
No one said this would be easy
No one said it'd be hard
No one gave me a clue
Everything felt so brand new but it wasn`t
It was just reliving pain
Misunderstanding it all
Am I disappointed?
What do you think?





















December 10, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
I'm turning into that
The thing I hate most
I'm becoming someone I hate
Why can't I make up my mind?
I don't know me anymore
I'm not an angel. I am not a whore
I don't usually do what's right
I defend myself poorly in a fight
I'm stronger with every heartbreak
I don't think that I'm fake
I can't let another change pass me by
I can't just live a lie
I need to know facts
Everything happens for a reason
I don't see the reasons
Why did I have to change to dramatically
I loved the old me
I was innocent and young
But I've been forced to grow up
Be responsible for my actions
Don't blame anyone but me
It's all my fault
I don't deserve a thing
I don't deserve my past
So I'll never get it back

December 10, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
"You did that was right"
No one has ever said that to me
I guess I've never done anything right
I'm sorry, I'm blamed
Should I be ashamed?
Why haven't I done anything right?
Why can't I get recognized?
I can't believe I fell for it
I fell for all the lies
I believed all the lies
The promises
The sweet things you said
I remember them in my head
I don't like you
I don't miss you
I don't wanna get hurt again
So I should stop being afraid
I'm tired of being the one
I'm tired of getting my dreams crushed
I'm tired of not being understood
I wish life could be good
I wish bad days were banished
I wish I knew right
I can only see wrong
I wish I wasn't called a slut
Who cares if I wear a thong
A girl could go crazy
But I'm not just another girl
I'm unlike no one else
I'm gonna be strong
I won't back down
You won't ever see me frown
Always a smile upon my face
No chick can ever take my place
So tell me-- Reassure me
I wanna know I did something right



*Morgan* December 16, 2003 - Nikky Raney-
I don't get it
It's like everything changed
I had you but I set you free
Is this how it's suppose to be?
I dumped you but I'm sad
You were the nicest guy I ever had
You're so sweet and charming too
How could I have let go of YOU
We say we'll go back out
But summer is a long time
Will you heart belong to mine
Everything is so weird now
Everything changed somehow
It had to be done
We never see each other
But now what do I do?
I broke my own heart in two.
I had to face my fear
And even the dumped gets hurt
It's like I forgot how to flirt
Everything's a mess
I'm lost I'm sad
Jealousy makes me MAD
I'm scared
What happens next?
I love you but it's my fault

December 16, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
No one understood
I pretended that you did
But you didn't
It's like you don't care
This isn't fair
Everyone flips our
So much drama
Is this needed?
Chill out- Relax a bit
The pieces of the puzzle don't fit
It's my heart
It's broken
What do I do?
I dumped you
Not for him though...
Wouldn't you like to know
I'm sick of the stupid lies
I'm sick of the tears from my eyes
Everything's so unprepared
I am alone, I am scared
It makes me wonder if he cared
Words don't mean anything
Actions mean more
Stop lying
Stop Lying
Shut up












December 16, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Did I think this would be easy?
Nothing's ever easy for me
Doesn't seem to bother him
But there's lots I don't know
His truth won't show
Sugar coated are all his words
Confusing... what do I mean to him?
Does he still love me?
He did 48 hours ago
I miss him
I feel a tear
I'm the one who dumped him
We can go out next year
This is so hard and complicated
Love is so overrated
You fall in love at random times
You've got no choice
Were you even sad?
Why can't boys let emotions show?
I blame it on the snow
I should be strong
I shouldn't care about you
But what else am I supposed to do?
These feelings aren't new
So why am I so confused?
I feel so used
I feel abused
I feel unwanted
Like I'm not cared for.
I am not your girlfriend anymore.
I dumped you
I had to,
But I wish you'd be sad
You're so happy
Isn't it affecting you?
The words I spoke are now ture
You meant so much to me
Is this how it's meant to me?
Should it be this way
All I wish for is another day

December 16, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
I can't think straight
Regret. It came a second too late.
Is this how it should be?
Is this what I want?
Does he want this?
Is it really over?
That term is so ugly
It's only been a day
Since we parted ways
It'll all make sense in a few weeks
We'll be able to talk about it
Without getting weird feelings
It'll be okay
I'll be okay
You're already okay
This was the only way
I love you
I leave those last words






December 18, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
What's going on
Are we together or not
Stop lying you'll get caught
Why do you have to complicate
Maybe I shouldn't mess with fate
Why don't you sit with me at lunch
Is there something wrong with my bunch
I feel jealousy come over me
Is this how it's gonna be?
Do you pay attention to me at all?
Do you see me in the hall?
Do your words have any meaning?
What's the point of all the drama
Is this like an unwritten law
A month ago I didn't even knew you exist
Little petty things are getting me pissed
I don't know how I can resist
It's hard to just play it cool
When I feel like I'm being played for a fool
I've wanted you from the very start
But I don't know if I'm ready to give you my heart
Something tells me it'll be torn in shreds
At least you still call my phone
But we can never be alone
Is this the right thing to do?
Or am I too good for you?
Are you a player?
Or will this really work out?
What are you all about?
How can you have a relationship without trust
I can't love, I can only lust
You leave me confused
I hope you're amused
Alone with you
What will I do
I finally unstuck from the past
So why can't any of my boyfriends last

December 18, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Why Can't I Make Up My Mind
Why can't I make up my mind?
Answers are so hard to find
This isn't right
Crying myself to sleep at night
Love is too strong and is usually a lie
You don't know love until you cry
Don't just say it - mean it too
You can break a heart if those words are untrue
Everything going through my brain
I feel like I'm going insane
Inside I hide all my pain,
Why should I tell you how I feel?
I know your sympathy isn't real.
The empathy isn't there
See you don't care
No one knows how I feel inside
No one seems me swallow my pride
Things aren't as they seem
Life can instantly smash your dream
Your day can go bad
You can be sad
But don't let the tears hold you down
Stand proud and don't frown
Why can't I make up my mind?


December 24, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Tomorrow is the anniversary of a day
Where nothing seemed to go my way
Tomorrow is Christmas
I got dumped on Christmas last year
Happening again is my fear
I just hate this holiday
It's not as bad as what happened in May
Santa killed my Christmas joy
This is a bigger deal than a day
365 days have past
The memory has been made to last
The presents didn't make up for it
This Christmas I'll feel like shit
Or maybe it'll be better
Maybe it'll be good
But to stop myself from the pain
I'd lock myself in my room if I could

December 24, 2003 -Nikky Raney-
Something's wrong
But I don't know what
I wish they'd all shut up
I don't know if love is in the air
And my friends don't' seem to care
I can't explain how I feel.
I feel like this is a big deal
Is there something wrong with me?
Is it hormones?
I wish I could talk to him on the phone
I feel like I've been left alone
Did I make you mad?
I feel so sad
Am I depressed?
This situation is messed
I thought Christmas would be good this year!
Last year I unleashed a million tears
I got dumped
I hope it doesn't happen again
Maybe I should stay away from my boyfriend
Maybe it'll be okay
Christmas isn't until 6 hours away
New Start.

December 24, 2003-Nikky Raney-
I'm afraid to lose you
I can't tell if you're mine
I just want both of you
I can't feel you there
Where did you go?
What do I need to know?
Am I missed?
Are you pissed?
Did I displease?
That's what you get for being a tease
I am not ready to let anyone go
I wish that your true colors would show
I can't seem to tell
Although you know me so well
I wish I knew how you saw me...
Do you think this is how you should be?
Does he only like my looks
Did my personality make him chose me?
Does he even care about me?
Why do I feel so low?
Is my pain starting to show?
I can't explain how it hurts I'm afraid to lose you


don't steal this stuff.. these are MY poems.. I wrote these all by myself...

Sucks
you know what sucks... today sucks. it's december 26th and i havent talked to my boyfriend since the 23rd.. and see he was sick that day so it's not cool. I feel so distant. I feel like he's mad at me. I feel uncared about.. but it's probably nothing of that sort.. things with my friends are driving me crazy and i have so much stress right now I could just faint.. everything is so complicated, and i feel like no one cares. I feel like nothing's going my way. This Christmas was way better than last Christmas.. but it was still a weird memory of Christmas. Ex-Boyfriends bug me. They really do. I wish that they didn't...but they do. They lie to me..but hey I lie right back to them.. it's like an unwritten law.. it's impossible to stay completely friendly and all happy with your exboyfriend unless there is still some chemistry there or there never was any chemistry there... Well you know what.. all this sux. Cuz i dont wanna feel stress with my BOYFRIEND and EXBOYFRIEND.. i just want that phone to ring. I want the caller Id to say "Siegle,Angela 343-2899" but it won't.. and it isn't.. maybe he's still sick.. maybe i need to rest.. i want to have him over for new years.. i want this to work out.. but i don't know how im gonna achieve anything. i feel depressed, but I'm not. I want to be happy, but I can't. I have weird feelings in my stomach...

Wicked Boring
Oh my gosh it's 1:04 in the morning. Remind me again why I am still up? The only people online talking to me are James and Aaron. What the hell are they doing up? They should be in bed too. I should be in bed. Sleep is very good. Thank god we dont have school tomorrow. I'd have to shoot someone if we did. I'm sleepy. Yeah and im a retard. NIKKY IF UR SLEEPY GO TO BED. I'm bored. and i felt like making a blog thingy. Haha I feel so cool I have a blog. Yeah and im a flipping retard cuz blogs are like sOO out right? that's a cool word blog! Today (well technically yesterday) was definitely the best day everrr.. courtney and fandi are finally going out. im being happy vicariously through courtney. this proves that anything can happened. she has liked him for almost a year and a month.. that is definitely a wicked long time. Surprised she didnt give up on him.. good thing. now she's the happiest person on earth. well actually i think im happier than she is.
poisontour2003 (1:06:44 AM): NO ITS NOT U NEED SLEEP
-- haha james just told me i need sleep. well derr he's right. i do need sleep. im gonna wake up looking really UGLY tomorro... heyyy wait a second. Jess isnt in James' profile.. there is something wrong with that. u have to have ur b/f or g/f in ur profile at all times.. that's just the way it works.. tsk tsk james u have failed.poisontour2003 (1:08:59 AM): um nikky i think u need a bigger box 2 fir ur head in--- ok whoa where the hell did that come from.. alright maybe i shud go to bed before i start bitching at my dear friend james.allstar25875 (1:10:06 AM): wtf
allstar25875 (1:10:15 AM): u dont even have a big head-- hahaha.. i showed him what james said. lol- i'm such a retard... im sitting here mesmerized by my computer screen when i cud be in my bed DREAMING like the angel I am. i swear i wont wake up until like 3. I might go to the mall tomorrow. Prolly not. I wishhhh!! ahhh tinos birthday is friday wut do i get him? paul is getting him a fucking skateboard.. then we have the football game! ow ow! it's gonna be so much fucking fun like honestly. I love football games. Ruining James hat.. haha tackling people. haha merrrrtttt.. ok i definitely need to go to bed before i plead insanity.. yeah well that's the end of my first blog ever. and it has proved that i am.. very... "unique" as morgan would say... o go ahead just call me a freak.. im used to it. lol

xoxo >_*Nikky*_>