--Very Long Blog--
My heart went through so much in 2003. I went through many break ups in 2003. I thought I was in love a couple times, but I do not know what love is... I mean I am only 13 years old. I really thought I was in love though... I was all depressing and glum... I just was not myself. Then I changed. Into someone who I never wanted to be, but I could not stop the change... Sometimes change is good... Well you be the judge... Was the change good...? Because this is who I am now. The person I am now is the Nikky Raney of 2004. I bet I will alter an awful lot in 2004 though. Change happens, you never really know when it is going to happen, and you can never really tell when it is happening. There is no sign... but there are signs that things are going to change. Everything changes eventually. Some things you do not want to happen, but you have to accept it. You have to take this as them come, and not be so meticulous about what goes on. The biggest fear for 2004 I have is rejection... Moreover, hurt. I don't want to get hurt, I am paranoid of getting hurt that I'm not attaching myself close enough to people anymore, because if I attach myself to someone then I will get hurt. I will probably end up hurting myself... emotionally not physically. Sometimes as awful as this must sound I would much rather be hurt physically than be hurt emotionally. I do not cry when I am hurt physically... However, I cry when I am hurt emotionally. Maybe that is why some people cut themselves. To release the emotional pain with the knife. Maybe they think all the pain and suffering will go away if they just hurt themselves physically. On the other hand, maybe when they hurt themselves they forget about the inner pain, and just focus on the pain of whatever tool they are using for self-mutilation. I was once a self-mutilator... Only I was not cutting myself... I was carving Tino valpa's initials into my hip... Ahh I feel like such a dumb person for even doing that. I only did it because Michelle carved fandi pradipta's initials in her knee and Michelle had like seven other carvings... I had one on my hand too... Thank god, they went away... If I had to stare at any TV's or tino's then I swear, I would probably go insane. I cannot stand that kid. I know you should not hate your exes, but this kid is... well. I do not hate him. We used to be like best friends... but you know I realized I just could not be friends with him after all the stuff he has done to me and all the stupid stuff he has pulled. I don't have any phone numbers because he ripped them out of my agenda... he has a problem and I don't want to get into his life because I just can't stand that kid... wow it's good to vent and get that off my chest about him.. And Tino if you're reading this I'm sorry bud, but after you call me a whole warn me up to 100% and rip up all my phone numbers it's hard for me to even think about being friends with you... Whatever... I guess I should just put stuff in the past... Give up the grudges. I mean I am absolutely terrible at holding grudges for most people... I don't know if that's a bad thing... the only person I have been able to keep a grudge for is Jessica Tippett, but I will always hate her no matter how many sorry notes she writes me. No matter what I will always hate Jessica tippett. You know what I miss. My child hood. Sometimes I wish I could do it over... but then I know that if I did it over then I would have to go through all those mistakes and challenges and all that stuff I did when I was a child... Oh, gosh I am getting nostalgic... I am acting like some old woman talking about her childhood. I am friends with an old woman. Her name is Alice and she is 90 years old. She made me realize that you need to live your life to the fullest, and worry about what matters most to you. The things you can learn from old people... I bet no one is really going to read this whole thing... I do not blame you... I probably would not read this whole thing either, but maybe if you are bored you will read this, because a lot of though and emotion went into this diary entry... I do not spill my emotions often for everyone to read, but I guess I want people to know me... from the inside. I want people to be able to read my poetry and know what I am all about... I guess that is the reason people have online diaries... to show their friends and peers around them how they really are opposed to the stereotypes people have of them. You really should not judge people that you do not know personally and have never had a real conversation with, because that is just plain ignorance. I know there are quite a few people out there who hate me... Most of them are girls in the 9th grade who have never even tried to take the time and actually get to know me. If you actually get to know me, you will probably find out that I am not as bad as you think I am. I don't understand how people can be so shallow and say "Oh my god I hate her she's SUCH a ho and a snob, and omg.." and say stuff like that (about me..) when they haven't talk to me in their lives, and I shop at the same places they do. I shop at Pac Sun and Weathervane for most of my clothes... and sometimes I will go to Filenes's or JCPenney. My mom will not even let me step inside Abercrombie and Fitch (not as if I would want to anyway...) because my mom says they are exploiting kids, and they show excessively much skin. I do not even understand how I got the label slut from those people... I mean... I wear many of the same things that they wear... In addition, I have done a lot of the same stuff they have done with boys... I mean maybe the stuff they did was not passed around the whole school, but if it did, they would know how I feel... maybe people need to start doing that. Wondering how other people feel. And the next time you spread a rumor or talk behind someone's back think to yourself... "How would I feel if that was about me... instead of their name it was my name and I was being talked about and had rumors spread about me?" I bet no one would want that... No one likes being talked about. I don't get why we all cannot get along, but everyone is so stuck in his or her ways. People are afraid of change... I will admit it I am afraid of change to. I think that the people that don't really know me should read this diary entry and decide to get to know me, because I'm sick of all the hating from people who don't know me personally, and haven't even taken the time to get to know me. I am willing to get to know other people. I have to go back to school Monday. I am a little bit nervous. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what will happen. I want to start the New Year off really well. I want this to be a GOOD year. I don't want anything bad to happen this year, but bad things always happen... because if they didn't happen you wouldn't be as thankful when good things happen. Good things will happen if you believe that they will happen. What is bothering me right now is how other people change, and I know I am not the only person who changes. It is just weird that everyone else changed too, and it is hard for them to even notice my change, because they are so amazed with the change that they have gone through too. Some people I wish would change. Some people will never change. Some people have changed too much. I miss the way that certain people used to be. I miss how things were back then, but I'm looking forward to how things will be in the future. You cannot be stuck in the past. You cannot live in the past. It's not good for you, and you don't get anything out of it, but a lot of hurting. I don't want to care what people think of me anymore. Why should I care what people think of me in the first place? They can't change who I am, and they can't change what I do. All they can do is hold me back from being who I am. I don't want that. I want people to just accept me for who I am. I am sick of the dirty looks. I am sick of the stares. I'm sick of the whispering. I am sick of the secrets. I am sick of the rumors. I am sick of people talking behind my back. I am just sick of all the drama, but then I think about it. If it weren't for the drama my life would be boring, but I don't need this much drama. I get mad at myself easily. I surround myself with people who just bring me down, and who lessen my self-esteem. Do I really want that? I think I have already made that decision. I realize that if I care too much about someone then I'll get hurt by them. Trust is really hard for me. It's really hard for me to gain people's trust. It's really hard for people to gain my trust. I guess that people think since I'm most talkative I can't keep a secret, and that I blab everything. I don't think that's true. There are many things no one knows besides the confidant and me. There are a lot of things no one will ever know about me... there are a lot of secrets about other people no one will ever get out of me... there are a lot of people who wouldn't tell me a secret if someone paid them a million dollars, and that's just stereotyping me and I really don't need that stuff anymore. I don't need it. I feel like I am disappointing myself by writing this long entry...and I have a feeling that not very many people will actually read this unless there is nothing to do and they get bored, but the thing is... I really want this to be read. I don't know why I just wish people could understand me. I just wish people could accept me as I am, and not try to change me. Not lie to me. I just wish that I could stop hating myself for the mistakes and regrets of 2003. I wish that I didn't do certain things I did, but I need to realize that everything happens for a reason, and you cannot stop what is meant to happen. I can't go back in time. I can't redo what's already been done. Life IS NOT a stage. Whoever said Life is a stage was wrong. On the stage, you can redo it if you mess up. On the stage, you can make it better. On the stage, you have rehearsed your lines. On the stage, you know what you are going to say. You are not faced with awkward moments. Life is not a stage. Life is Life... I don't know a better way to put it do you? My life is like a soap opera... I hate to say it but it's true. I guess that if someone spent a day with me they wouldn't see all the emotion I go through. I guess I put up a fa?ade when people are around. I don't want them to see how I am. I'm scared. When I say fa?ade I don't mean fronts of buildings silly. I mean a fake front.. A fake ... you know.. And I don't wanna say that I am fake. I don't think I'm fake. I just think I hide my emotions for other people. I deny my emotions. I try to make my emotions go away, but sometimes.. They just don't. I'm going to end this here and I hope that you actually take the time to read this whole thing.. And then maybe take the time to get to know me... <3 Nikky Raney <3